Talis (Anastasiya) Henze

April 30th 2025

In A Journey in Kink: From Shameful Fantasy to Self-Actualization, Cal J. Domingue does something beautifully radical — he treats kink not as pathology, but as potential. And if that sentence made you want to exhale a relieved “finally,” welcome to the club. Bring your collar and your credentials; we serve both leather and literature here.

This peer-reviewed gem traces the therapeutic journey of Peter, a man whose BDSM desires were initially bathed in the acidic glow of shame. Through a combination of three carefully chosen therapeutic methods — EMDR, Hakomi, and psychoeducation — Domingue details how Peter moved from “Why the hell do I want this?” to “Wow, this part of me deserves love and agency.”

The Therapeutic Toolbox Is Not Just for Vanilla Wounds

Let’s unpack the technique cocktail Domingue served Peter:

  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Used to help Peter metabolize the trauma that had attached itself to his early erotic scripts like gum on a shoe  — sticky, hard to ignore, and picked up without permission.
  • Hakomi: A body-centered therapy rooted in mindfulness, perfect for people whose trauma lives not just in their memories but in the way they flinch when they feel vulnerable. This method helped Peter access and work with implicit emotional material without needing to verbalize everything (because sometimes, “I don’t know why I’m crying, but I am” is the most honest form of progress).
  • Psychoeducation: The unsung hero of therapy. Giving Peter accurate, affirming information about kink and trauma, instead of just nodding sagely while he spirals, was vital. Knowledge became a flashlight in the dungeon of shame.

Together, these approaches helped Peter not just feel less broken — but to see his desires as sites of healing, not wounds in need of stitching shut.

Shame Is Kink’s Least Sexy Play Partner

Domingue pulls no punches when addressing internalized shame. Peter’s story mirrors the experience of so many kink-inclined folks who come into therapy with questions like, “Am I a bad person because I get turned on by being degraded?” Spoiler: No. But if you’ve been marinating in a cocktail of conservative sexual scripts, trauma, and a therapist who thinks “dominant” means “daddy issues,” that’s going to leave a mark.

This article doesn’t just identify shame — it shows what happens when we stop running from it and instead meet it with curiosity, structure, and a safe word. Domingue positions shame not as the enemy but as a signal — one that can be metabolized through intentional therapeutic work, and yes, through kink itself as a vessel for transformation.

Community, Relationship, and the Radical Act of Belonging

One of the more heartening themes here (and one that resonated with me deeply as a sex coach and clinical sexologist-in-training who’s also a lifestyle kink educator) is the importance of community. Healing didn’t come just from Peter’s internal work — it came from external affirmation. Belonging. Validation. People who didn’t flinch when he said he wanted to serve, or dominate, or cry while tied up. People who got it.

Community, Domingue argues, functions as an essential container for post-shame integration. In the right environment — one that’s trauma-informed, kink-literate, and built on mutual respect — the things we once tried to amputate from ourselves become sources of strength. And let’s be honest: hearing “I see you, and you’re not alone” in a dungeon hits differently than hearing it under fluorescent lights in a clinical office. (Though both have their place.)

Cultural Competence: More Than Just Knowing What a Flogger Is

Here’s where the academic gloves come off and Domingue drops the mic: therapists need to do their damn homework. The article does not shy away from calling out the systemic harm that can be caused when therapists enter sessions with unexamined assumptions about kink, power exchange, and sexual identity. Because nothing kills a disclosure quite like a therapist saying, “So you let him… hit you?”

As someone training in this field, I especially appreciated the attention given to how a therapist’s lack of cultural competence can directly impact client safety and trust. When someone is brave enough to bring their deepest, most intimate desires into the room — desires often tied to both trauma and identity — they deserve to be met with informed, non-pathologizing curiosity. The non-judgmental therapeutic presence isn’t just helpful here. It’s critical. It’s the difference between “you’re exploring a valid part of yourself” and “you might be unwell.”

Domingue reminds us that clinical neutrality isn’t the same as ignorance, and that culturally competent care is not a checkbox — it’s a commitment.

TL;DR — It’s Not a Phase, Mom. It’s Self-Actualization.

In the end, Peter’s journey isn’t about becoming someone else — it’s about remembering who he was before shame kicked in the door and rewrote his story. Domingue masterfully weaves theory, clinical insight, and humanity into a narrative that doesn’t just affirm kink — it positions it as a possible pathway to wholeness.

If you’re in the field, this article is a blueprint for how to show up better. If you’re in the community, it’s a reminder that your desires are not shameful — they might actually be the door to healing.

And if you’re both, like me? It’s one more reason to keep building bridges between research, embodiment, and radical, consensual, liberating pleasure.

I wanted to use this space take a look at some of the resources that are out there for new kinksters to learn from, that are made by members of the Kink community and give you an idea of what’s available. What sources I used in the beginning of my Kink journey, and what to look for in your own research in order to ensure that the information you find on your own is credible, safe, and a proper reflection of the Kink community as a whole. 

First, let’s take a look at some of the resources I have found throughout my Kink journey. I have broken up these sources by type and give an explanation as to why I like/recommend each source. 

  • Books: The new topping book: by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy, The New Bottoming book: by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy, S&M 101: by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The romance and sexual sorcery of Sadomasochism: by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

While there are plenty of others that I could put in this section, I chose these books for a few reasons. The first of these reasons are that all four of these books are tried and true recommendations that have been used by many in the past, The New Topping/Bottoming books are actually second editions of the original written in 1994. S&M 101 is also on its second edition and was updated based on the evolution of the BDSM community post appearance of the internet and took its impact into account in the second edition. The second reason and the main reason I am recommending all of these books is because they are some of the most effective written sources in the BDSM that cover more than just theory, while still acknowledging the limitations that come from book knowledge compared to real world experience. For example Screw roses has an entire section on tips for making your own play equipment, which is something that I have found hard to find in other sources that are available outside of real life classes. 

Second, let’s look at video sources that are available online, the two I recommend here are, 

  • Extreme Restraints University: /https://www.xruniversity.com/. The only of these free resources that is 100% free to access, it is a database of videos made by Aiden Starr and Ian Rath demonstrating various topics and includes video demonstrations as well as descriptions on topics ranging from Impact Play to D/S dynamics and many more. They also have a podcast version of the show for people to listen to while on the go.
  • The Second of my recommendations for video sources is Kink Academy. https://www.kinkacademy.com/. With a library of  over two thousand plus Videos and articles by over one hundred-forty plus different community experts including Lee Harrington, Jay Wiseman, and Mollena Williams, there is plenty of things to learn. Sadly there is a paywall here but with both one time payment and subscription options available the amount of information available is well worth the cost. They also have a podcast available for free for on the go info.

So what makes these sources worthy of mention when there is an abundance of information out there just like them? For me when looking for a source, there are a few things that I look for to help me determine how trustworthy a source is. When it comes to non academic sources though the first thing I look at is personal participation in the Kink/BDSM community, can I find evidence that points to these people being someone who is a respected and active member of the Kink community? Second, Can I find multiple places where a person/source is referenced in regard to useful sources? Remember for the majority of Kink history word of mouth was the biggest way in which people shared and spread information, so the more people I can find that recommend a source the more likely I am to believe that a source is trustworthy. Lastly, just like being able to tell when someone is not right for you in regards to choosing a partner, the same can be used when looking for sources. Remember Kink Is customizable and what works for you might not be a good fit for someone else. At the end of the day the biggest rule of Kink is making sure that every one involved is informed, consents, and does not intentionally do harm to another person.